Nothing is going to be the same after this trip. Too much has happened. I'm supposed to head back to New York tonight, but I can't leave. For some reason, I don't feel like my time in Tulum is done yet, even if it just means staying another few days.
I got this Mayan massage from Elvira in the yoga studio today, and I am only beginning to process what happened. It was the first time I had a massage where the movements followed the pattern of my breathing. It was intense. She moved along the chakra system from the root up, and when she reached my belly and started to rub it in a circular motion, I began to cry. Apparently in Mayan culture, the belly is said to house all our emotions. I didn't know what the heck was happening.
Even though I met Elvira last night in the happiest of states during our salsa dancing class, she could see right through it - I was so sad underneath all the smiles and twirls. When I started to cry, she leaned over and whispered into my ear, "If you are not happy, why you no say something?" She talked about her own personal struggles that she had growing up with learning how to listen to her intuition. It hit a chord in me. For my entire life, I've lived practically. I've made all my decisions in a calculated manner, and now it's led me here, questioning everything. I feel like there is this fire inside me that's rapidly growing and taking over. And I'm afraid if I don't do something now, right now, it will begin to extinguish. I CANNOT have that. I'm too aware of the consequences if I don't follow my gut, even if my mom doesn't understand what I'm doing. It's so hard to witness the distance growing between us.
Raquel left this morning. I can't believe I spent five full days with a complete stranger and now I would consider her to be such a close friend. She is so inspiring to me, how she lives life so unapologetically and revels in her unconventional life. She is a coach - my initial response was, "You mean like a sports coach?" No. In fact there's a whole world of corporate & personal development coaches out there - Raquel does 1 on 1 coaching and also goes into organizations to shadow high potential employees and improve their leadership skills.
Raquel was the only guest at Casa Utopia when I first arrived. And we both made it very clear to one another that we were committed to our 'solo' trips. "I came here alone to have some time for myself," she said that afternoon as we were laying next to each other on the beach. "Yeah, me too" I replied. "It's my first solo trip and I just need some time to think." Well that lasted about a whole 2 hours before we gave in to our crazy connection, and we were pretty much inseparable for the remainder of the trip. Although she is from Barcelona and I from California, we both have the same crazy curls and spirit for life and play. Who knew that I would find a sister from half-way around the world in a tiny yoga studio on the beaches of Tulum. But sometimes you gotta get out of your own way, drop the expectations on what you think life (or a solo trip) should be like, and follow the curve ball that resonance throws at you.
The other girl who inspires me so much here is Bryony, the beautiful Australian girl that checked into Utopia a couple days ago. I couldn't believe it when she told me she lives three blocks away from me in Williamsburg! She offered me a room in her apartment at the end of June in case I want to downsize and save money..you know, just in case I were to, oh I dunno, let's say leave my job?
We did a photo shoot for one another on the beach today, which proved to be quite difficult for me since I default to silly over sexy, but after a bit, I got the hang of it.
I can't explain it, but there's something magical about Tulum - I feel like something is carrying me & giving me the courage to keep moving down this path.
It makes me wonder who else I would meet and what else I would learn if I were to just let go and follow my gut, no matter where it tells me to go. In the short amount of time I've been here, I've learned acro-yoga, snorkeled in the world's second largest barrier reef, learned about local Mayan food & culture, and met amazing people from all over the world. The energy here is crazy.
I want to quit my job. I don't like the person I am becoming. Maybe it's not New York. Maybe it's not my job. Maybe I just need to go out and experience. I have no real obligations tying me down. I have some money saved up. So what am I afraid of?! Failing? I think at this point failing would mean doing nothing.
I am so sad & exhausted. The massage released a lot out of me. A part of me regrets extending my trip, but I am getting notifications on my phone that the flight I was supposed to be on is delayed by almost 7 hours! I would have been going crazy in the airport.
What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to do when I walk into work on Wednesday? I'm really scared. I'm scared of change, even if it's what I know I need. I wish I had more of an idea on what the f*ck I'm going to do. I hate being negative, sad, and mopey. How am I going to tell work that I stayed here an extra few days? I want to quit. I wish I could stick it out and make a plan while I'm still working there, but I just don't feel like that's possible at this point. I'm too far off the ledge now. I'm peering over into the unknown and feel the wind of possibility at my back.
So, why do I feel so sad today? I'm sad Raquel left. I'm sad that I don't have my computer with me so I can start doing some travel research. I'm sad that Mike died. I'm sad that I don't think I love myself enough. I'm sad that this time in my life makes me feel really far away from mom. I'm sad that I don't feel like I can talk to my family about anything I'm going through. I need to focus on why I'm happy. I'm happy that I met these amazing people this past week. I'm happy (and proud) that I actually went through with this solo trip. I'm happy that I experienced so many new things this week. I'm happy that I'm finally doing something about being unhappy, even if I'm making it up as I go. I'm happy I got to be so playful with Raquel and feel so free. I'm happy that I got to do yoga every morning. I'm happy that I woke up early to watch the sunrise. I'm happy for warm crystal clear oceans and daily swims.
I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished thus far in my career, but I think it's time now to focus on building my life outside of my career. I want to help people. I want to meet new people, really connect with them, and make them feel comfortable. I want to be a creative and strategic thinker. I want to travel more. I want to work flexible hours so I can continue to travel more. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn more about consulting and coaching.